I just realized that I have done a total of 3 blog posts since getting pregnant, which is kinda sad, but also reflects that my mind really has been preoccupied and doing a lot of processing.
Originally I thought I was doing okay after Hazels birth, that time had healed things, but found out soon after we learned we were expecting again that there was still a lot to process, and fear/trauma to heal from.
Hazel's birth was long, lots of early labour and about 10 hours of active labour. The last few hours of labour were sped along as much as possible, with trying lots of different postions in rapid sucession due to baby being in distress and ended with an episiotomy and forceps delivery.
Somewhere in all of that I came away with some trauma, and it took 3 months of reviewing the birth story, talking with Jared, my friends and our Pastor to try and put a name to the fear, rather then a big black wall that I am terrified of and I can't think past. While trying to work through the fear and trauma, I also reached a level of understanding as to why a woman would want to have an abortion and how that would seemingly solve part of the problem they were facing, this realization scared me even more and I got myself stuck in a logic loop, wondering how a Christian who knows that abortion is wrong could wonder so much about it and understand part of the motivation behind it.
I have to thank our Pastor very much for helping me through those thought processes and leading me to the Psalms, and explaining how much feeling is expressed in the Psalms that doesn't match with knowledge, such as "Awake O God" when the author knows the God never slumbers or sleeps.
In following weeks we had a bit more brain space to figure out what part of the delivery I was actually traumatized by and through many long chats with friends and reviewing things with Jared, Jared finally hit it on the head with saying "when baby was in distress and they asked you to give more, when you didn't have much more to give, you heard you were failing" which triggered a somewhat unknown lifelong fear of failing expectations. After a very good cry and realizing that naming the fear was helpful, we were able to move on to how best overcome this fear and prep for the upcoming months.
Another emotional healing event was my 20 week ultrasound, I had a very nice tech who told me right away that babys heart beat was good and strong (which reassured me much more then expected) and that showed me lots of different angles of baby, to the point that I recognized the baby as one of our babies, long and skinny. Which was later confirmed by my doctor when she informed me that baby's femur bone was quite long. Baby is overall measuring in the 50 percental and the femur bone was in the 80th percentile.
The Doctor that I got assigned to was truly a God send! The first few visits she didn't even get a chance to check on basic physicals, but listened to me attempt to explain my fears though many tears...anyways she told me multiple times to get a Doula this time, and after a few weeks of searching I found one that was available and also had a Christian background (which was very important for me as so much up to this point had been a spiritual battle).
Our first in person meeting was right around the 22 weeks mark, where I was feeling much better and had most of the trauma and logic loops defined. Meeting with her and knowing she had had a traumatic first birth as well, but moved on to have more kids and become a Doula was very encouraging. I loved having one person/source of information that I can trust rather then going to the internet to blindly look for what I was searching for. She gave us both good resourses to look through that related to our specific fears or concerns. One book she gave really focused on the mind and the heart and how to process the events and information around you, I found this very very helpful and learned lots about myself when reading though it.
Going off of my last pregnancy I gave myself 10 weeks after I was feeling better at 22 weeks, till I would be feeling more tired and likely more anxious about the delivery, as that was the pattern with the first pregnancy. In the lovely 10 week window I felt good and got lots done, including planning and enjoying the Christmas program, which was a great mental distraction for me, but sure enough right around 32 weeks I felt myself crash, and through tears I remembered I could reach out to my Doula at anytime. Among many other things she told me to " not carry burdens that aren't ment to be carried yet" which resonated very closely with the book I had been reading as well, but hearing something at the right time has a lot of value and that little phrase has been repeated in my head every time I get down, tired and negative (which all seem to go hand and hand with me)
Since then we have had another meeting with our Doula and came up with a birth plan, which is more just a list of preferences. She also provided a list of things for me to pack, which I am still procrastinating on as packing has got to be one of my least favorite things to do.....
I feel very very blessed to be able to say that I am currently feeling mentally stable, and I am reaching out to Jared and/or my Doula as soon as I feel a tired/negative swing. I am still not all looking forward to the birth process, but feel that we have a much better equipped tool kit for the journey ahead.
