Hazel's Hair and ABC's

Settling in back at home after our whirlwind of a trip (that post will need to come later as it will take some time to put together!), Hazel enjoyed finding all of her favorite things back. This ABC book has been a recent favorite and she is really interested in learning the song, so far she has "a,b,c" and then rhythmic sounds after that 😅. Hazel started reading the ABC book to herself after I read it one afternoon and I was enjoying her variation of what each page said, I managed to catch a little bit of it on video and I can't get enough of it!!!

Aunty Albany did a cute braid in Hazel's hair when we were down for Aunty Genoa's wedding. I was inspired to attempt some braiding of my own. So one day after a bath I tried some braiding while Hazel played with the running water in the sink.

It's a bit hard to make out, but Hazel discovered that the little medicine cup works as a "drain plug" and it took some doing to get it unstuck!

Hazel requested another warm bath the next evening, so I tried another braid. I was rather proud of the results, but sadly it didn't stay in very long. It loosened as it dried and after Hazel slept on it only the back stay in and the front had all fallen out, which was too bad as the goal was to keep the hair out of her eyes.

It took a bit of doing to get Hazel to bed that evening, and once when Jared checked on Hazel it took him a few seconds to find her. Can you find Hazel?

Then I turned the light on to take a better picture, as she wasn't sleeping anyways 😛

The next day I gave up on the braids, and while Hazel played with the tap water I figured out how to get all of her hair into one ponytail. (when I try two ponytails they always end up lobsided)

Thinking s😊he might just end up being a ponytail girl like her Mama.

Jade, One Month!

  We reached the one month mark already! Feels longer and shorter then that all at the same time. Jade is a comfortable weight and is gaining right on track, weighing in at 9 lbs 7oz, she doesn't feel quite so newborn and fragile anymore which is nice. Breastfeeding is going much smoother than last time and I can already see some chub on her legs, much different than Hazel as she didn't gain super well for the first 6 weeks. We are out of the newborn clothes and into 0-3 clothes. Jade has been a lovely baby so far, maybe because I know what I'm doing this time, maybe just a character thing. One thing that we have noticed so far is that Jade is either content or she is NOT, which I hear may be contributed to the redhead traits. 

We have a nice system going with Jade sleeping in her crib during the day and in the bassinet in our room closet during the night. I'm hoping we can keep this up for a while as so far she is a lot quieter of a sleeper then Hazel was (or I'm less paranoid?), But Jade may outgrow the bassinet quicker then I want her too.

Night time feedings have been going well and she has done some four hour stretches already, though typically she does three hours. So far the hardest thing has been waking up fast enough as Jade doesn't give much warning, she is either sleeping or awake and crying quite loudly and my brain just doesn't quite wake up that fast! Though I have a feeling it will learn to. 😅

Hazel is starting to adjust and I'm learning how to teach Hazel about Jade. We took out the baby toys so that Hazel has some toys to give to Jade when she is sad. Hazel is learning how to help burp the baby and helps find outfits when we are changing Jade. Hazel has learned that when Jade cries she typically needs milk and is happy to help with the blankets if Jade got "to much milk". 

Looking forward to seeing these girls grow up together, though hopefully not to fast!

Jared was pretty excited when this outfit fit already, as he was looking forward to his little giraffe again if the baby was a little girl!

Colds, Baptism, and Family Time

Jade at one week! This is still one of my favorite pictures so far! Unfortunately it was also taken the afternoon before she got the same cold we all had....😔 Jade getting sick was pretty an avoidable as we were all sick the week before....but it was still pretty hard to see your very newborn baby with a cold... 

By Wednesday afternoon Jade was sounding pretty rough, she was quite congested, which is lousy for a newborn/ nursing baby... I had a nurse come by and visit that day, much to my surprise she suggested that we bring Jade into emerge as she had very labored breathing. I was overwhelmed with the suggestion, called Jared to come home with a snot sucker (which I think are gross, but was a better option then the hospital at the moment) and I didn't take my eyes off of Jade until Jared came home. Once Jared was home I was able to calm down a bit as I was quite weepy, the snot sucker helped quite a bit which also helped me relax about the situation. The next afternoon we had a doctor visit booked (another reason we didn't go to emerge the previous evening), and even though Jade's breathing was improved she was still concerned with how labored it was and sent me to the pediatric ward so that the on call doctor there could take a look at her. Hazel was at a friends house for the doctor visit already and it worked to extend her stay for a while. I was in a much better mental space that afternoon so going in for a extra check up wasn't such a overwhelming thought. As hard as it is seeing Jade hooked up to all the different monitors it was nice to be able to see her oxygen level looking good even with her uneven and labored breathing. The pediatrician was a very reasonable man, understanding that our whole family had been sick, and after looking her over he sent us home, but gave us the ability to come back anytime in the next 48 hours if anything got worse. I was quite happy with the compromise as staying at the hospital for continued monitoring had been a possible option when my doctor had sent me in, which didn't really sound like that much fun... 

Hazel and Jade's first time sharing a play space. It was nice and short and went well :)

We were very thankful that we were still able to have Jade's baptism on Sunday, she was much improved by Sunday and at this point was a little stuffy and had a lingering cough. It was a very special family day for us, with lots to be thankful for! On a sentimental note, Jade is wearing the same baptism gown that Jared wore that was made by his Mom, and Hazel is wearing a dress made by Oma.

The Flokstra family braved the snow with their camping trailer to come for a visit for the weekend. It was lovely to have them there for the baptism and Hazel was thrilled to have friends for the weekend! Unfortunately due to the weather our visit got cut short... but we had a lovely time while they were here. 

I can't complain about Jade much, she has been quite the great little sleeper!

Looks like we might have a strawberry blond or maybe even a red headed Jade!

The Flokstra's headed out, but Nana soon showed up! Nana brought lots of new books, which Hazel very much enjoyed! 

Having extra family around has been really good for Hazel so far, it allows her to still have something to do and watch me with baby Jade and get use to me feeding her all the time.

Nana even managed to find a book that made Daddy laugh! The Pout Pout Fish book was quite the hit, but didn't quite beat the two "Big Sister" books that she got that get read over and over again!

Hazel is slowly interacting with her little sister (which Hazel pronounces "little bister") Jade a bit more each day. 

Even caught Hazel singing to Jade during her floor time 😍 (Video below)

And Hazel was okay with sharing some Mommy snuggle time with Jade too.

Some last minute pictures before we had to say Goodbye to Nana.

My very "photogenic" girls... Jade is working on her silly faces already...

One more group pic and then Jared brought Nana to the airport and picked up Aunty Genoa, I believe Jared was at the airport for a total of 25 minutes! Pretty slick little airport nice and close to home!!!

 

Carried by Prayer

The amount of people who reached out to me over the last few weeks to let me know that they were praying for me was truly amazing, I felt very supported by my family,  friends, and community! The fact that others were praying for me was really needed as I found it very difficult to pray for myself at this time. I could trust and know that God knew my heart, but to put it into words and prayer just seemed to be something beyond me. 

One friend reached out to me the day before Jade was born, letting me know that they were praying for me and asked how I was doing, I was able to respond that I was unfathomably calm, which is something that was coming from outside myself as I could not even comprehend it! 

It was an amazing comfort to experience God's love in the little things, the worries of my heart that didn't happen, like we didn't need to drive through a snow storm to get to the hospital and Jade came on her due date so I didn't need to be induced or worry an extra two weeks. 

Have you ever set up a tool box for a certain task, and then had the satisfied feeling of using every single tool to get the job done? Jared and I have spent the last 9 months analyzing and adding tools to our "delivery tool box" and it turned out to be a very well stocked tool box once it got put to the test. 

The labour story in short form:

• Labour started at 4:00am, labored at home for 12 hours, had doula support over the phone.
• Around 3:30/4:00 we called the doula to come to our house. Once she was here Jared brought Hazel to the Schoutens 
• 5:00ish we left for the hospital, upon assessment I was 7cm and taken to the labour room. 
• I received an epidural and baby Jade was born at 9:35pm, about 4 hours after getting to the hospital.
• Overall things went very smoothly and there was very minimal medical interventions!

And here is the labour story in very very long form:

Labour started at 4:00am on Sunday morning, and I didn't need to wait long to know if it was the real thing or not. I woke Jared to let him know about 4:30, it was really neat to hear how excited he was and was definitely the dose of encouragement I needed at the moment. 

I labored at home till 4:00pm, mostly in bed as I could relax there much better than walking. I had support from the doula via text, which was nice knowing I could call her at any time but still be able to try new positions she recommended on our own time. Jared did an amazing job of juggling being by my side during most contractions and keep Hazel somewhat entertained and fed. Contractions stayed long and inconsistent the whole time which is likely why we stayed home so long as they never got within 5 minutes apart till I was settled at the hospital. Around 3:00 the doula suggested I walk around for a bit as I had been in bed for quite a while. Once I was up it quickly became very close to the unmanageable stage and we called the doula to come our house. 

When she got here Jared quickly loaded up Hazel's stuff and brought her to the Schoutens. She very happily said "goodbye daddy" and went off to play which was really nice to hear! Once I made it back into bed I was shaking really bad, like shivering really hard, but I wasn't cold. The doula said they were from adrenaline and was able to calm them down with some pressure points. 

When Jared returned from dropping off Hazel we started the rather lengthy process of getting me into the car, which was very tricky as one hip muscle had cramped up and seemed to start mini contractions every time I moved. Though the car ride was rather uncomfortable and I had to give a few directions,  it was nice to know that some level of pain medication was close at hand. Before leaving for the hospital I had said that we were going to get morphine and go back home or get an epidural. The doula left a bit before us and met us at the doors with a wheel chair, and Jared went to park the car. The original plan was to wait for him and all go up together, but about a minute in I vetoed that plan and the doula and I went on together and left Jared to find his way with all the stuff on his own. 

We made it to the maternity ward and got admitted to assessment room one, though this may seem irrelevant, last time we were shown to assessment room two and then sent home, so I was praying for assessment room one, as I knew it would help with the mental side of things. With a lot of help from Jared I finally made it from the chair into the bed, my left leg/hip was still totally cramped up and seemed to trigger a contraction every time I moved it. We soon moved to the "1,2,3 Go" and Jared would just move me. The nurse assessed me at 7cm, Jared was very relieved to not have to go back home, and I was initially nervous as I thought it would be too late for a epidural. That fear was quickly put to rest and the anesthesiologist was called. 

With our "1,2,3" system we made it to the labour room, then to the bathroom and then I remember fixing my eyes on the bed as a final destination and slowly but determined made it to the bed. I was very very relieved to finally be at a point where I wouldn't have to move locations anymore! 

I was quickly offered laughing gas, and actually used it correctly this time (last time it got taken away because i just kept breathing it, rather then taking breaks between contractions). I think having longer contractions and being able to feel them coming helped as it allowed the laughing gas to kick in mid contraction rather than when it was almost over. 

I was very glad the anesthesiologist showed up when he did as I was just starting to have flash backs to last time of the fear and the feeling that I couldn't keep going. The anesthesiologist had a very odd southernery accent and was super chatty which was a great distraction at the time (though not at all appreciated when he came back to check on me minutes before Jade was born, he didn't know how to take a hint and it took a bit for the doctor and nurse to convince him to leave, I remember yelling in my head, "get him out of here!" as I didn't have the ability to put anything into words at the moment....).

The epidural brought just the right amount of relief. I was really glad the doula warned me on the way to the labour room, that it was still going to be a lot of work even with the epidural. As I was quite far along the pain was lower down in addition to the contractions, the doula explained that the lower down pain is harder to get rid of with a epidural, as an epidural is more effective on contractions. For me I found the epidural kept the edge off, it still felt like I felt EVERYTHING, but I wasn't getting freaked out about it and it wasn't to far over my pain threshold. 

I had Jared on one side, and nice calm nurse on the other and the doula who floated around making sure drinks were stocked, held pressure points on my feet when I had the adrenaline shakes, put a hot water bottle on the hip/leg muscle that was ceasing up, got a bowl of cold water and cloths to put on my head or back. In between every contraction I had water or apple juice offered to me and all I had to do was open my mouth and find the straw, so besides being in labour/transition I was border line pampered. The room was dimly lit, and the nurse and doctor were both very quiet. At one point I did open my eyes (most of the time I had them closed) and managed to set eyes on the doctor. She was a smaller, older lady with grey hair and I immediately relaxed when I saw her, not quite sure why, but she just didn't seem to be someone to push things along and that was reassuring. 

At some point the doctor did offer to break my water, but we agreed to two more contractions and see where we are at, it ending up being around five contractions as it was going well when she came to check up, she asked again but did make it clear that she didn't need to. I was pretty nervous about the water breaking thing as last time it was broken much earlier and in my mind was one of the reasons Hazel was in distress later on in labour. I was hoping my water would break on it own, but I was basically all the way dilated and had been for a while and it wasn't breaking.... I couldn't quite process everything the Doctor was telling me, so I redirected the question to Jared and as he was asking the Doctor a few other questions I broke my water on the next contraction, which was the most satisfying experience, I must say that I was quite proud of myself! 

My water breaking only provided a very short window of relief as baby started moving through the birth canal very soon after, this (in retrospect) was a very interesting sensation that I don't remember feeling at all with Hazel. I definitely hit a few walls along the way here, where I felt that I couldn't go on anymore, but Jared was very good at being calm and encouraging, only talking between contractions, making me open my eyes once and a while and even made me smile/laugh a time or two. Jared also kept reminding me of all the the things that had gone "better than last time" or fears that had been avoided, such as: no snow storm, no induction, we didn't get sent home, my water broke on its own....

The crowing was also an interesting experience, though I'm sure that's not how I would have described it at the time, but that was something else that I didn't experience with Hazel as I had an episiotomy and forceps delivery. Both the doula and nurse were trying to coach me into changing my breathing pattern from long pushes into little puffy breaths, Jared clued in pretty quick that I wasn't processing and started blowing hard puffy breaths right into my face, which I thought was the most irritating thing ever! but ended up being quite effective. Baby Jade was soon born and placed on my chest to be welcomed and cherished! Contractions were still good and strong and I delivered the placenta one or two contractions later without the oxytocin shot, this was one of the weirdest feelings ever that I'm sure I will remember for a while! I had one little tear right by my episiotomy scar that got stitched up, but nothing beyond that. 

Very very thankful that I am able to say I had a smooth delivery. Happy that I'm able to write it and share this story, it really shows just how far I have mentally come. Jared kept a timeline/journal throughout the whole labour and we debriefed the whole labour soon after we got to the recovery room, which was so so important! Jared and I were able to pray together after debriefing and I found that I have been able to pray prayers of thanksgiving after a long time of just trusting that God knew my heart. 

With this delivery being so different from the last one, I was surprised to find myself forgiving myself for being traumatized last time, which isn't something I thought I needed to do, but it has brought a lot of healing and peace. I found myself change my "tune" from "Trust in Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" to "Taste and see that the Lord is good" .

Welcoming Jade Maria Flokstra

Our second precious daughter joined us on Sunday, February 11th at 9:35pm. Jade Maria Flokstra weighted in at 7lb and 15oz and measured 21 inches long. Very thankful for the many answered prayers with a smooth delivery, arriving 4 hours after we got to the hospital. 

Jade Maria Flokstra, Jared Martin Flokstra's name sake 💖

This picture just captures so much and brings back the moment! I can start crying happy tears if I look at it to long. 

Jade quickly found her two fingers to suck on, just like Hazel did! (insert momma heart bursting emoji)

Jared picked up Hazel from the Schouten's the next morning, and then came to visit us in the hospital around lunch time. 

Daddy's three girlies!

The first day/evening Hazel was rather intrigued by baby Jade. 

Unfortunately Hazel started teething one of her top two year molars a day or two before Jade was born, and also caught a cold :( I was hoping that this wouldn't happen during our transition back to home, but not super surprised that it did. It did make for a very rough week for Hazel!  

We got discharged from the hospital a bit early so we could all be home together for the night, which despite it being a rough night, I think was best for all of us. Jared stayed home on Tuesday and Wednesday which were both run off of adrenaline for myself and Jared, as we both also got a bit of a cold and Jared's back was very sore from helping move me around while in labour and sleeping in a hospital bed. Jared returned to work on Thursday which was good to start getting some routine back. Since then I've been trying to find a routine back at home with my two girls, which overall has been going really well. Jade has been a wonderful baby so far and Hazel has been getting a little bit better every day. 

Lord willing we plan to have Jade baptized on Sunday, February 25th, in the 10 am service. 

Here is the Livestream link if you wish to join us:  https://www.youtube.com/@messiahcanrc

 

A Chance to Play in the Snow!

We finally got the snow we were waiting for and some temperatures that allowed us to play outside in it! Jared made some big snow piles while clearing the driveway that morning so we went out and made a snow slide. 

Sliding in action. (video below)

Later I made myself a nice snow chair and enjoyed the sunshine and threw snowballs for Nova while Hazel happily climbed on other sections of the snow pile. 

 Our first snowman this year! The temperatures warmed up enough that our fluffy snow turned into packing snow (which is quite the contrast from a week and half ago when it was -30's at night with highs of -20...). Hazel's request that it have a carrot nose and later she added some ears. A bit of a creeping looking snowman, but at least I can say we made one!

 

The Journey Beyond the Birth Story

I just realized that I have done a total of 3 blog posts since getting pregnant, which is kinda sad, but also reflects that my mind really has been preoccupied and doing a lot of processing. 

Originally I thought I was doing okay after Hazels birth, that time had healed things, but found out soon after we learned we were expecting again that there was still a lot to process, and fear/trauma to heal from. 

Hazel's birth was long, lots of early labour and about 10 hours of active labour. The last few hours of labour were sped along as much as possible, with trying lots of different postions in rapid sucession due to baby being in distress and ended with an episiotomy and forceps delivery. 

Somewhere in all of that I came away with some trauma, and it took 3 months of reviewing the birth story, talking with Jared, my friends and our Pastor to try and put a name to the fear, rather then a big black wall that I am terrified of and I can't think past. While trying to work through the fear and trauma, I also reached a level of understanding as to why a woman would want to have an abortion and how that would seemingly solve part of the problem they were facing, this realization scared me even more and I got myself stuck in a logic loop, wondering how a Christian who knows that abortion is wrong could wonder so much about it and understand part of the motivation behind it. 

I have to thank our Pastor very much for helping me through those thought processes and leading me to the Psalms, and explaining how much feeling is expressed in the Psalms that doesn't match with knowledge, such as "Awake O God" when the author knows the God never slumbers or sleeps. 

In following weeks we had a bit more brain space to figure out what part of the delivery I was actually traumatized by and through many long chats with friends and reviewing things with Jared, Jared finally hit it on the head with saying "when baby was in distress and they asked you to give more, when you didn't have much more to give, you heard you were failing" which triggered a somewhat unknown lifelong fear of failing expectations. After a very good cry and realizing that naming the fear was helpful, we were able to move on to how best overcome this fear and prep for the upcoming months. 

Another emotional healing event was my 20 week ultrasound, I had a very nice tech who told me right away that babys heart beat was good and strong (which reassured me much more then expected) and that showed me lots of different angles of baby, to the point that I recognized the baby as one of our babies, long and skinny. Which was later confirmed by my doctor when she informed me that baby's femur bone was quite long. Baby is overall measuring in the 50 percental and the femur bone was in the 80th percentile. 

The Doctor that I got assigned to was truly a God send! The first few visits she didn't even get a chance to check on basic physicals, but listened to me attempt to explain my fears though many tears...anyways she told me multiple times to get a Doula this time, and after a few weeks of searching I found one that was available and also had a Christian background (which was very important for me as so much up to this point had been a spiritual battle). 

Our first in person meeting was right around the 22 weeks mark, where I was feeling much better and had most of the trauma and logic loops defined. Meeting with her and knowing she had had a traumatic first birth as well, but moved on to have more kids and become a Doula was very encouraging. I loved having one person/source of information that I can trust rather then going to the internet to blindly look for what I was searching for. She gave us both good resourses to look through that related to our specific fears or concerns. One book she gave really focused on the mind and the heart and how to process the events and information around you, I found this very very helpful and learned lots about myself when reading though it. 

Going off of my last pregnancy I gave myself 10 weeks after I was feeling better at 22 weeks, till I would be feeling more tired and likely more anxious about the delivery, as that was the pattern with the first pregnancy. In the lovely 10 week window I felt good and got lots done, including planning and enjoying the Christmas program, which was a great mental distraction for me, but sure enough right around 32 weeks I felt myself crash, and through tears I remembered I could reach out to my Doula at anytime. Among many other things she told me to " not carry burdens that aren't ment to be carried yet" which resonated very closely  with the book I had been reading as well, but hearing something at the right time has a lot of value and that little phrase has been repeated in my head every time I get down, tired and negative (which all seem to go hand and hand with me) 

Since then we have had another meeting with our Doula and came up with a birth plan, which is more just a list of preferences. She also provided a list of things for me to pack, which I am still procrastinating on as packing has got to be one of my least favorite things to do.....

I feel very very blessed to be able to say that I am currently feeling mentally stable, and I am reaching out to Jared and/or my Doula as soon as I feel a tired/negative swing. I am still not all looking forward to the birth process, but feel that we have a much better equipped tool kit for the journey ahead.